Friendship: Looking Inward

“To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” – Socrates

There are many ways to define yourself, and each definition is personal. Taking a moment to lay out your values and interests, assess how you reciprocate, and remember your story and past experiences will help guide your path of friendship. On this page, before you can discover what obstacles may be inhibiting friendship or what you can do to enable yourself for deeper connections, take a minute for some gentle self-awareness.

Consider the activities, links, and prompts below as a guide to helping you connect with how you see yourself, how you would like to be seen, and how you think others may see you.

Lay Out Your Values and Interests

The first important aspect of understanding yourself is to analyze your values and interests because one strategy of finding friends is to seek out those with similar values and interests to you. If we do not take the time to figure out what our own values and interests are, Radha Agrawal— community-building expert and author of Belong— says “We may end up in relationships that deplete us and in misaligned communities that don’t serve us.”²

While values may be more concrete, interests change all the time. By finding friends who share our current interests, we may find a deeper or easier connection than those who shared our interests earlier as those may no longer line up with where you are.

You can learn about these and many other aspects of self-discovery through the Assessment Center. Go check it out!

Reflection:

How would your values be different if you had done this 5-10 years ago?
How would your interests be different if you had done this 5-10 years ago?
Why are the things in the “not align” column there?

Head over to the Discovery and Exploration section to explore your values and interests to help guide you in searching for friends who share similar interests:

Assess How You Reciprocate Friendship

Adam Grant’s bestselling book Give and Take explores how the way we interact with others impacts success and other aspects of our life. Grant explains: when it comes to relationships, people are Givers, Takers, or Matchers.⁴ There are benefits and drawbacks to being each type; some in terms of business/networking success, and others in terms of the way we build relationships.

Explore other (non-friendship) aspects of Give and Take in the Service Section:

There are Benefits and Drawbacks to Being a Giver, Taker, and Matcher

So, we should all strive to be Givers, and then we will be more likely to find success and better friendships right?
Not quite…
Each type has benefits and drawbacks depending on situational factors:

Givers —

• Benefit:
  By seeing the world from a perspective focused on how you can improve the lives of others, you very quickly endear yourselves to others and allow trust to build in new relationships as well as existing ones.

• Drawback:
  It turns out that of the different styles, Givers are the most content and successful, and they are also the least content and successful. The Achilles heel of being a Giver is the potential to be taken advantage of and be burnt out by selflessness.
  In the professional world, Givers can make others better off, at the cost of their own success. A study found that Givers going out of their way to help others prevented them from getting their own work done, more errors are made, and more deadlines are missed.⁴

Matchers —

• Benefit:
  Reciprocity often leads to a well-balanced friendship: friends do not feel taken advantage of or like you don’t care.

• Drawback:
  When we get caught up in the transactional nature of a relationship and get stuck on who-owes-me-what, it is easy to forget the whole purpose is connection. (See Communal vs. Exchange Orientation).

Takers —

• Benefit:
  Takers look out for themselves, so they can prioritize their own needs and wants.

• Drawback:
  It is often hard to make quality connections as a Taker because the other person may feel that the relationship is one-sided.

Having Awareness Can Help You Decide How to Show Up

It’s understandable to feel like being a Giver is the “goal”, and if you are a Taker or Matcher, you’re ‘bad.’ Takers and Matchers still find success, friendship, love, and happiness. There is nothing wrong with being a Taker or Matcher, and having an idea of which type you typically gravitate towards could help you find a new way of connecting.

The three types rarely exist in a pure form, and the majority of people are a combination of all three reciprocity types. Friends with deep relationships have awareness of all three types and use elements of Matching, Giving, and Taking to find and maintain balance.

Let’s Be Enemies

Let’s Be Enemies is a short children’s story by Janice May Udry. In the story, John is mad at his friend, James, because “James always wants to be the boss.” James is a Taker and John is not going to tolerate the imbalance in the friendship anymore.

Take Action:

Conversation, trust, and boundaries are useful tools when you would like a relationship to look differently. However, this page is about YOU. How can YOU take responsibility for how you show up and set an intention regarding the type of friend you want to be?

• I’m a Giver, and I feel taken advantage of:

Asking the friend for help with something can avoid blame being placed on the friend for never helping. If you have never asked for help before, the friend may be lost on where to start.

• I’m a Matcher, and my connections do not feel genuine all the time:

When you keep track of exchanges, you are not being as authentic as you could be. The mindset of “I’m doing this to pay them back for the thing they did” can mean that your heart isn’t really in the giving. Shift your mindset to a more communal orientation and take time to consider, what do they need right now and how can I help?

• I’m a Taker and I want to build a deeper connection:

As a Taker, autonomy is likely very important to you. Giving your time to someone can be a valuable strategy in building the connection. Invite someone to choose what you will do and go along with their plans. Listen and empathize.

Our past experiences heavily shape if we show up as a Giver, Taker, or Matcher. As Adam Grant mentioned in his Ted Talk, “sometimes, Takers are Matchers who got burned one too many times.”⁵ In the next section, reflect on your past experiences and how your story shapes the type of friend you are.

Remember Your History

Behavioral science indicates that our past experiences influence who we are today and how we behave/what we believe. This is especially impactful when it comes to understanding how we relate to others.

Everything we have done, lived, seen, and spoken has contributed to how we interact with the world in both positive and negative ways. By understanding and acknowledging our own beliefs, wants, needs, and ways of being, we can explore ways to create change in our relationships by starting with ourselves.

Take a minute to write out your story. Use the Who am I worksheet for fodder.
In knowing yourself, you can reflect on your past friendships and embrace being your best self and the best friend you could be.

Inspiration from George Ella Lyons⁶

Explore the Discovery Section as a whole for more insight into discovering yourself.

Reflection:

• If you were introducing yourself as if you were your friend, what would you say?
• As a kid, how were your friendships?
• How have your friendships changed since you were a kid?
• Have you ever been hurt/burned by a friend in the past? How did that change how you approach friendship?

Your Storied Life also covers elements of your story and how your experiences shape your beliefs.

Some stories serve as obstacles to friendship — they cut off connection or hold us back from making deep and fulfilling friendships.

See if any of these obstacles come up when you think about your friendship stories: fear, shyness,  judgments, expectations, time, busyness, and social comparison.

Fear

Fear is one of the most common underlying hindrances people find when trying to build friendships.

We are hardwired for survival, and sometimes the fear can be so strong that we aren’t able to let our guard down enough to let someone into our lives.

Scary thoughts about making new friends:

• What if I ask them to hang out and they think I’m flirting with them or a stalker?
• What if I put effort into doing something with them and I don’t end up liking them?
• What if I can’t think of anything to say?
• What if they don’t like me and then I have to do all the work all over again with someone else?
• What if they ghost me?
• What if they are not who they say they are?
• What if they are just taking pity on me?

WHAT IF?!

Fear of rejection is an overarching story many people hold: 

I have a hard time getting close to people because of my fear of rejection.

In reality, fear of rejection can be a mask for fear that the story I hold related to relationships is actually true. Rejection hurts because when we are vulnerable and put ourselves out there and the friendship doesn’t work out, any stories we are holding about not being enough, not being likable, etc… seem to be true. When we mask our true fears with the fear of rejection, it seems like we can take control of our fears because we are not allowing anyone close enough to hurt us.

Naming your fear and unpacking it (as done above with the fear of rejection) can help dig deeper into why that fear exists, which can be helpful in overcoming that fear.

In friendships, if you hold yourself back, never letting anyone close, then no one will ever be close to you. Not much connection, joy, or intimacy can be found.

Explore More:

Expectations

When we think of friendships, we all have an idea of what makes a good friend. Maybe your list includes the following:

• Makes me laugh
• Respects me
• Understands me

We also have ideas about how many friends we should have, the variety in our friendships, how attachments should look, and what our preference for ideal friends is.

Keeping an open mind when making and keeping friends can be really challenging, especially when our brain is analyzing everything the other person is doing and making snap judgments.  One thing that can cut off the connection in potential friendships is an inflated idea of what a friend should be.

Examples:

There are two ways Anita’s story could end:

Marcus

Marcus and Trevor are pretty close friends and have each other’s backs. When Marcus broke up with his girlfriend, he called Trevor to get some support. Instead of offering the support Marcus was looking for (listening, empathy) Trevor blew it off like it was no big deal and told Marcus to just get over it.

There are two ways Marcus’ story could end:

If you focus on times when your friends aren’t the way you want them to be, then you may miss positive aspects of those friendships, or diminish their value. Practicing gratitude can change the way you see those around you. The ways in which your friends are there for you may simply be different from how you are there for them, and that disconnect can compound if neither party sees the other’s ways of contributing to the relationship.

Try making a point of expressing gratitude for something your friend does every time you spend time with them. Over time you can shift your perspective and expectations of your friendships. You can also have a conversation with your friend about how you like to give and receive support/love. It is possible for both parties to realize how to best support the other.

Time

“I’m too busy”  is one of the top excuses people have for not connecting with friends more. We live in a very distracted world, and we have a seemingly endless list of things we need to get done, and not enough hours in the day. We want to be more social, but with relationships, kids, jobs, adulting, and self-care, we sometimes prioritize those things over our friends.

Possible belief feeding the story that you are too busy for friends:

What if I put all my effort into a new friend and then it doesn’t work out and I have to start all over with another person? I already do that with dating and it’s exhausting!

Unknown factors can make jumping into a friendship challenging if we do not know our investment of time will turn out results. Each friendship is different and requires different time commitments to keep it thriving. Time is a valuable resource and it can be hard to decide where to invest.

Where does the time go?

Check out the Time Audit on the Purpose page for an exercise in breaking down your time each week to get a better picture on what to prioritize or cut back on and see what you currently value.

Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together writes:

“We all wake up every day with the same number of hours on the clock. Some people fill every spare second with activities, meetings, and errands to run to, yet some people have time to read a book, take a nap, or practice guitar. Too often we prioritize activities that allow us to report that we’re keeping busy and we jettison and play-down the ones that make us sound idle.”¹¹ 

Where can we get more time??

Try This: 5 ways to invest more time into friendships

• Set aside a special time each week: your own personal time set aside to reach out to friends, connect, and make plans. Could be 20 minutes before bed or during your lunch break. Work it into your schedule so it feels easy.
• Take charge of making plans: If you are waiting for random invitations, you are missing connection opportunities you could have been initiating yourself.
• Set up recurring plans: instead of thinking of something new to do each meeting, set up recurring plans: could be a standing “date” with friends like a Wednesday wine night or yoga class you all attend and get dinner afterward.
• Double Dip: things that take time away from connection and make us “busy” can double as time spent connecting if used with intention. Make friends at work, invite a friend to work out with you, call a friend while you make dinner, invite a friend to shop with you, etc. Use things you have to do to build consistency in your friendships.
• Take the time to swap calendars with a friend and find a time that works, even if it’s a month or two out. Hold yourself accountable for making sure your plans stay planned!

See more tips for investing time into friendships on the Nurture Existing Friends page.

According to We Are Social, the average person (worldwide) spends 2 hours 24 minutes on social media every day.¹²

The above chart shows how each country measures up to the international average. You may be thinking: I only scroll social media in small increments while waiting for the bus, eating lunch, or laying in bed, it is never really 2.4 hours of solid free time that I could be spending with friends, or could it be?

TRY THIS: Stop scrolling.

• What if instead of eating at your desk scrolling through photos of people you barely know, you invited a few coworkers to eat in the break room with you?
• What if instead of waiting at the bus stop with your eyes glued to your phone, you started a conversation with the lady who was also waiting with you?
• What if instead of staring at a screen before bed, you called an old friend to reconnect or wrote a letter to a friend to brighten their day?

For many, social media can be a valuable tool in maintaining existing friendships and creating new ones.

Technology can offer ways to meet new people we wouldn’t normally cross paths with, take the pressure off of awkward first meetings, and allow for common interests to be shared. Most apps have proximity settings, so you can meet people who actually live near you. There are even online clubs and virtual meetups so you can get to know people from the comfort of your home.

See the New Friendships Page for more on technology as a tool and a list of apps to use to make friends.

Social Media & Comparison

In a world driven in so many ways by technology, it’s no wonder it has crept into our social lives in a big way. With the rise of social media, we have also seen the rise of social comparison and the damage it can cause. Feeling deflated when judging your life against what you see on social media may not be a fair or useful comparison to make. Social comparison can feed stories and may cut off your ability to make quality connections.

Through social media, we get to see the edited and best parts of our friends, celebrities, and strangers’ lives. When all you get to see is the highlight reel, it can be easy to think that you are less because you have challenges, struggles, imperfections that you don’t see on your friends’ profiles.

You’re biologically predisposed to compare yourself. It gets out of hand in the modern world. Remember that it’s normal, and it’s valuable to keep it in check.

Social media gives us the illusion of connection. 

We have thousands of “friends” or followers or likes and that makes us feel good because we know people are seeing us. In reality, the opposite is true. As Kat Vellos explains in We Should Get Together, a side effect of social media is that it actually makes our friends less curious about our lives, since they think they see the full picture on our profiles. “The human brain is adept at creating simple stories and filling in the gaps…Social media platforms want you to share what you’ve been up to, but only on a surface level.”¹¹

When our friends think they know what is going on, they are less likely to call to check-in, and conversations that could fuel connection are cut short by “Oh yeah, I saw that on your profile.”

Comparison can be highly useful when harnessed in a healthy way. When we view others’ successes as a source of inspiration, it has the potential to motivate us to improve ourselves. Be mindful of who you are comparing yourself to and why.

And, when you see a friend post something cool, call them up, make plans, and chat about it in person.