Support and Forgiveness

Yes, we’re all masters at breathing, but perhaps not gurus to the extent that Eastern philosophies have developed the art.  Tai Chi, Yoga, Tantra, and Buddhist meditation involve the very purposeful use of breath.

Variations

• Cuddling and breathing in synchrony – you both breathe in and out at the same time.
• Asynchronous breathing – after one exhales completely, you inhale.
• The couple sits facing each other while holding each other’s hands and looking into each other’s eyes.
• Saying a short phrase after the inhalation and exhalation a couple times and that’s it.  The format is usually along the lines of “As we breathe in, we are connected,” or “Breathing out, we release.”
• Simply gazing into one another’s eyes.  In silence, or with music.  Without speaking.  Without touching.

“Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.”  In Garrison Keillor’s Lake Wobegon, life’s pretty good.  For those of us who don’t live there, life has a few more ups and downs.  At the end of one of those days, this couple ritual can take the edge off the downers and soothe ruffled feathers. You may find it a little silly at first, but give it a chance and you might always want something like it in your life.  Also, remember that customizing couple rituals is highly recommended!  Treat these as inspiration for creating a piece of art that adds beauty and joy to your relationship.  For this ritual, I’ve heard many different flavors, but let me tell you about one of my favorites.

Jack’s wife Shannon loves stuffed animals.  She has a modest collection that tastefully decorates one side of the bedroom. One day Jack was on his way to pick up his favorite sandwich down the block from his office building and passed one of those rows of cart merchants that sell everything from eyeglasses to vitamins.  That day, on a new cart selling mugs and miscellaneous trinkets, a small, stuffed, fuzzy gecko lizard covered with paisley fabric caught his eye.  Six bucks seemed reasonable enough, so he picked it up for his wife, stuffing it in his pocket and heading back to work.

That same afternoon, Jack was forced to summarily fire an employee for stealing company software.  As if that wasn’t stressful enough, he also had to give a presentation to his superiors about cost overruns.  But Jack found that having a hand in his pocket and feeling that gecko reminded him of his wife, which reminded him of her love and of what really mattered.  His stress went down and he was able to perform better.

Variations

• Objects for this ritual vary from a ball of wax from the wedding candle, to a rock, to a piece of fabric that was meaningful to both partners.
• Have a stuffed animal (object) for each person.
• If there is no story to tell at the end of the day, put the object back in its place. Don’t use it for the more trivial events of the day.
• Although I really like the idea of using the stuffed animal and its personality and perspective to tell the story, of course you can talk about the day’s events in a more normal manner.  The idea is to make a special time for really listening.

Principal Purposes Served

• Create stable touchstones
• Build the relationship culture and history
• Communicate values and beliefs
• Foster trust
• Emotional money in the bank
• Fosters nurturing, affectionate, loving contact

The ritual here is to take a disagreement/perspective/stalemate/frustration and work it through, hopefully with a bit more levity than is likely present.  It is a particularly tricky ritual, and perhaps the MOST tricky of them all, as a couple ritual has the flavor of being meaningful and enjoyable, and disagreements are rarely so.

Suspending the idea that someone is right and someone is wrong, and remembering that at the core, everyone is right . . . each person is seeking something positive and wonderful in the need they’re hoping to meet.  From that place, there is a same-sidedness that makes movement more likely, even if only in the feelings around the issue.  For more, see Non-Violent Communication (NVC).

“I can’t believe that,” said Alice.
“Can’t you?” the Queen said in a pitying tone.  “Try again; draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.”
Alice laughed.  “There’s no use in trying.” She said; “one can’t believe impossible things.”
“I dare say you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen.  “When I was your age I always did it for half an hour a day.  Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast . . .”
-Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll

Doubting game

• Truth by seeking error
• Question every overt and hidden assumption and assertion
• To play this game is to be rigorous, rational, and tough minded
• Detach oneself; gain perspective
• Take things literally
• Be aggressive
• Be stubborn
• Be adversarial
• Discover all the problems and pitfalls

Believing game

• Believe all the assertions – even if they contradict each other.  Get inside the ideas – experience what they are as much as possible.
• Do not toss the baby out with the bathwater – sometimes when one starts doubting, one becomes so preoccupied with finding the many holes in the tapestry that one fails to ever see the picture that is there.
• Settle for truth mixed with error.
• Never argue, believe everything, walk in others’  moccasins, make metaphorical transformations of assertions so you can enter them.  Get other people to join you and for a long time.
• Make the idea work – find ways to make it happen.