Mattering

The world is filled with more than 7.5 billion people. All of us are living our lives surrounded by others. While humans naturally like to see themselves as unique, we all want to know our place in the world. Think about a time when you felt hopeless, alone, or depressed. What was happening in your life that caused you to feel this way? For most people, one symptom can be a lack of mattering. When we don’t believe we matter in the world it is hard to see how we fit in, which can cause a great deal of discomfort. During these times it is easy to have thoughts like:

How many of these sound even vaguely familiar? Regardless of our attachment style, all humans naturally want to feel as if they matter. Feeling that you matter aligns with our search for Meaning and Purpose, as it relates to us finding our place in the world. Here are some stories of how mattering…matters:

When we believe we don’t matter it can feel like we are going through the motions, that nothing in our life holds meaning…so what’s the point?

Overall, we need to feel that our life holds purpose and that we can make contributions to the world that offer validation, and evidence that our lives hold value and meaning. Here are how a day can go when offered an exorbitant about mattering, versus relatively nothing:

A Day of Mattering

When living with others (partner or roommate)

• Wake Up  – Greet others while getting ready for your day.
• Breakfast – Connect with your partner/roommate, talk about your days or shared interests.
• Commute to work – Listen to the radio or a podcast. You are focused on driving and listening to something you enjoy, taking in the world.
• Day at work – You feel a part of a team and contribute as such. You know your place at work and know you have an impact on the business.
  • Lunch Break – Connect with your co-workers.
• Dinner Time – Talk about your day. Share stories and enjoy good company.
• Time at Home – Personal time is productive, and connection time with others is prioritized most nights.
• Bedtime – You connect with your roommate or partner before bed, and go to sleep knowing you matter.

When living alone

• Wake Up  – Get out of bed and get ready for work.
• Breakfast – Eating by yourself while messaging others or reading about what is happening in the world (ie: social media feeds or news apps)
• Commute to work – Listen to the radio or a podcast. You are focused on driving and listening to something you enjoy, taking in the world.
• Day at work – You feel a part of a team and contribute as such. You know you
  • Lunch Break – Connect with your co-workers.
• Dinner Time – Either similar to breakfast or dinner with others in a social setting.
• Time at Home – Time spent on your own passions or connecting with others (ie: messaging friends).
• Bedtime – Get ready for bed and sleep feeling connected to others.

A Day without Mattering

When living with others (partner or roommate)

• Wake Up  – Get out of bed and get ready for work
• Breakfast – Eat with minimal conversation. You are feeling social but not overly engaged in the conversation.
• Commute to work – Listen to the radio or a podcast.
• Day at work – Do your daily tasks as you need to. You don’t ask others for feedback and conversations are based on ‘small talk’.
  • Lunch Break – This time is more about consuming food than anything else. You’ll talk to others if they talk to you, but you don’t mind either way.
• Dinner Time – Eat with minimal conversation. You are feeling social but not overly engaged in the conversation.
• Time at Home – Potentially spent with others doing something medial (watching TV, chores, etc.)
• Bedtime – Bedtime rituals focus on yourself, say goodnight to others as you head to bed.

When living alone

• Wake Up  – Get out of bed and get ready for work.
• Breakfast – Focus on your food, or your phone/tablet.
• Commute to work – Listen to the radio or a podcast, going through the motions.
• Day at work – Do the tasks you need to do at whatever standard you choose. You don’t care what others think.
  • Lunch Break – Eating by yourself, not engaging in conversation.
• Dinner Time – Focus on your food/tablet.
• Time at Home – Personal time spent without connection with others (ie: messaging friends).
• Bedtime – Get ready for bed and sleep not feeling connected to others.

This all sounds like a bunch of doom and gloom, so let’s get to learning how to make sure people feel that they matter. For someone to feel holistically like they matter they need to feel valued by themselves, their community, and those with whom they have a close relationship. They also need to feel as if they add value to these areas as well. So…what can mattering look like?

In my community…
“I believe I matter in my community so I remain confident in how I engage with others. I am more willing to extend myself to support others and take extra risks as I know I am supported. My behavior matters to others, and so I consider others in the decisions I make that may affect the community, and I know I am respected for the choices I make.”

With my romantic partner…
“I believe I matter to my partner, as I know they are there for me. I am willing to be honest and vulnerable with them, and I trust that they will come to me when they need me as well. I am willing to explore the world (literally and/or metaphorically) with them and can try new things with little hesitation. I understand that our actions can affect each other, and am respectful of this fact.”

With myself…
“I believe I matter, and so I have a solid sense of self-awareness. I have high self-esteem and can connect with others with a high level of ease. I love to take risks and try new things, and I make my own choices outside of seeking validation from others. While I love being social, I also love time to myself.”

Note: These examples focus on mattering in a positive light. It is possible to feel as if you matter in a more narcissistic way, where your actions exist without others in mind, and this is not the focus of this section.

While the above shows different ways we can emotionally show up for others and make them feel that they matter, there are other avenues we can take as well. We can show people that they matter to us with our attentiveness and thoughtfulness towards them. Here are some examples of things you can do for others:

These more physical acts can be done for friends, workmates, romantic partners, family members, acquaintances, even strangers. While these acts of kindness do not stem from a verbal emotional connection, they can show someone that we care about them and are willing to support them. Giving a sandwich to a homeless person can tell them that we value them, and let them know that they matter to us.

If we are performing these actions we mustn’t be doing so for reasons of Dirty Communication. Acts of kindness (and mattering) are designed to have a positive effect on the other person. If what we are doing comes from a belief that the other person can’t/won’t do it themselves, or that we want to protect them from something outside of their knowledge these acts turn to pity for them or self-righteousness, which is not the intention. Mattering in action comes from a place of kindness for those involved, as we are truly showing that they matter to us. We use these tools to say “I care, you matter”.

If the above strategies do not work, and you desire the feeling of mattering outside of the relationship, you mustn’t break any commitments made to your partner in the process. Relying on one person to meet all (or even most) of your wants/needs is a recipe for disaster! This can be a lot to put onto a single person, and so a network of significant others is essential. By ‘significant others’ we look at close friends, family members, and people within your inner circle rather than polyamory or infidelity. If a relational commitment is likely to be broken a conversation needs to occur with your partner (see A.R.E. below).

As humans, we naturally crave the feeling that we matter. We want to matter, and most people want to show others that they matter. Unfortunately, some natural interactions can occur in life and hinder our feelings of mattering. While negative interactions with others will always be a part of life, we can change the way we phrase these interactions to foster a more caring and mattering space. Let’s take a look at some of the tools to cool down these interactions:

Complaining

Complaining can be a natural part of life. When we experience discomfort it is natural to want to express ourselves. Complaining can be cathartic…there is nothing wrong with a nice vent is there? Well, complaining has been found to increase stress and put a deeper strain on our mind. If you are someone who complains a lot, you are also likely to be less happy day-to-day than someone who doesn’t. However, these facts do not speak for all kinds of complaints.

It is difficult to express mattering when we are complaining. So how do we get out of this headspace? Firstly, it is important to reflect on what the goal is with our complaint. If we are complaining to complain, then this likely has no purpose and so it may be more beneficial to find another way to express ourselves (ie: Mindfulness). If we are wanting to feel heard or offer feedback to someone else with our complaint, then it is essential to understand what we are wanting to express. Are we wanting the other person to change their behavior? If so, see the section below on ‘Should’ing and shaming. Are we wanting to offer feedback? If so, you are in the right place. The Gottman Institute has spent decades researching relational interactions, and have built the key to complaining. Check out the three simple steps below:

Instead of complaining, we can shift into the above framework and offer feedback to our partner instead. By changing the way we speak to our partner we can turn towards our partner and allow them to understand our experience without the judgments that can come from complaining. While this framework may not always resolve all of the problems in a relationship, it allows more empathy from both parties and in turn can let both partners feel that they matter as they build mutual solutions together. If you believe your partner will be more likely to become defensive around the above interaction, you can also try the SEIEM method, which is longer but offers a deeper perspective and empathy.

‘Should’ing or Shaming

Another common conversation tool that can arise is offering shame or telling people they ‘should’ act/be a certain way. When we do this we remove someone else’s autonomy as we try to shape them to be more like us. It is hard to feel as if you matter when someone is telling you that your choices are not what they should be. When we offer shame (or a ‘should’) we are putting the person into a corner. We are essentially saying ‘Do this or feel bad’, which is never a kind offering. Check out the dangerous effects of the word ‘Should’.

While ‘Should’ing or Shaming someone can offer negative emotions, it is possible to still make a request while showing that they matter. This can come in the form of an invitation. When we invite someone to change their behavior we can express our feelings around a situation (while acknowledging that these are our perceptions) before inviting the other person to make a change, in turn respecting their autonomy. Let’s see some examples of this in action:

While these comments are still addressing negative feedback, you can see that some of the sting is taken out. We are still able to express our feelings and needs without taking away someone’s autonomy. This in turn can allow people to feel that they matter more as they are not being limited, or feel forced to make a specific choice.

Demanding

When we are being demanding it is essentially the nail in the coffin when it comes to connection. If ‘should’ing or shaming ignores someone’s autonomy, demanding is the attempt to remove it completely. Demanding puts us straight into the reactive brain, and so having a balanced conversation is near impossible as you will likely be met with defensiveness or aggression. To better understand these kinds of conversations check out the page on Demon Dialogues.

So we take a break…and what can we do? Mindfulness tools can be excellent strategies to bring us back to our centre. This doesn’t always mean meditation or deep breathing. Find an activity you love that can help bring you back to your natural baseline. These kinds of activities can include:

Check out some great examples in our Mindfulness Toolbelt.

There may be times when someone is demanding towards us, and during these times it is easy to become defensive, which doesn’t help the situation. It is important to remember that if our partner is demanding it is more about how they are feeling than anything else. If we can help our partner during this time it may support them in soothing, so a more balanced conversation can occur. Reflect/Reframe/Validate is an excellent tool to allow someone to feel heard, and may support your partner in venting their experience before creating an actionable conversation. It can be hard to remain balanced when someone is being demanding, but if we can do our best to stay calm and work through what our partner is feeling it can support both parties in feeling that they matter.

When in a relationship with someone, these requests (or bids) for connection can come at an emotional cost. When offered a bid for connection we have three options:

Here are some examples of each option:

Here are some examples of how each attachment style may offer their quick bids for connection:

There are also more extensive, deeper bids that can exist. A key element in bids for attention is being there for your partner, and being present while you are there. Here are examples of deeper ways we offer bids for connection with our partners:

While these lists are by no means extensive, there is an unending amount of different bids for connection. The key to noticing the bids of your partner is to be aware of the intention of their actions. Has your partner done something to instigate a positive action from you? (e.g., conversation, physical touch, playfulness, etc.). If so, no matter how small this action is, this is likely a bid for connection. As said, meeting/validating/acknowledging this action is the key to creating a secure space in your relationship. When we have our bid for connection validated in helps us feel mattered by our partner. This boosts our connection to them and also reminds us of our place in the world. No matter what the attachment style dynamic is in your relationship, everyone desires the feeling of connection with their partner.