Listening: The Gist

These get broken down into a myriad of smaller components and actions. Such actions and perspectives add up to ways of being; being curious, loving, and integrous are not goals you get to accomplish and move past one day. They are not easily measurable items on a to-do list. They are life-long practices.

If you only take one thing away from the entire Listening section, or you choose not to read another line, please remember that if you want to become a better listener you must be deeply committed to curiosity, love, and integrity.

Maybe you think you already are. Stop to think about it deeper. How do you know you’re deeply committed? Are you consciously challenging your behaviors and thought processes in specific ways?  Are you aware of your growth zones and challenges in these arenas?

With cultivation of curiosity, love, and integrity, the form will follow.

So how do you become a better Listener?

There are two levels from which to approach the practice of Listening. The Life-Long Work and the In-The-Moment Work. You can use actionable steps to help you build skills on a daily basis while keeping in mind the larger vision and themes of a Life-Long practice.

Seek First to Understand

Make the primary intention of your conversations to Deepen Understanding.

We come into conversations with all kinds of agendas; we want to clarify or confirm something, we want to show someone we care, we want to find out their side of the story so we can better understand how to explain ourselves to them or prove them wrong, or perhaps we want to show that we’re caring, supportive, and polite.

These agendas, conscious or not,  interfere with our ability to really deeply understand what the other person is experiencing or trying to communicate.

Consciously de-prioritize these other agendas and choose to make understanding your absolute, first order of business.

Listen to Yourself First

Without first checking in on what is going on for us, we might not be able to be fully present in a conversation.

It is vital to note what you are personally feeling, needing, or thinking before listening to someone else. Once you realize that you are very tired or very sad, then you can take steps to address this before jumping into listening to someone.

For example, maybe the conversation is too important to have while you’re tired so you request to have it another time. Or maybe you let the person know that you are feeling sad and may not be able to offer support like you normally do, but still feel open to hearing their story.

When you know what is up for you first, you can meet your needs (maybe have a snack?) and be better prepared to listen to someone.

And to be clear, this isn’t just something that happens at the beginning of a conversation. Oh no! It is a practice that carries through the entire time. It is imperative that we continue to check back in ourselves.

“Oof, that statement landed poorly with me.”
“Hmm, I disagree with that.”
“Wow, I’m really distracted by what I have to do later!”

This information empowers us to take action to meet our needs, communicate with our conversation partner, and enhance the chances of understanding by accounting for influences as they arise.

Regulate Your Emotions

When we get upset or triggered by a conversation we lose access to the part of our brain that enables logical reasoning, critical thinking, and problem solving. In order to really understand another person we need to be using this part of our brain! In order to get back there, we must regulate ourselves and be in a relatively neutral emotional state.

While “listening to yourself” during a conversation, monitor how you feel and if you’re having internal reactions to what is being said. When you notice discomfort, sadness, frustration, shock, elation, excitement, anxiety— take a moment to pause.

Then, choose a regulation technique that works for you. This may take a bit of time to find one that works for you personally. A tried-and-true option however is breathing exercises. Take a few deep breaths!

Visit this page to learn about other techniques!

Consider Outside Influences

Take time to consider outside influences on the conversation. Elements like the relationship dynamic, power differentials, the formality or privacy of the environment, and time constraints can play a part in how a conversation unfolds.

Take a moment to become curious about cultural norms and roles that could be affecting your interaction. Is the other person trying to be polite instead of honest? Is your idea of what a mother “should be” affecting how you’re engaging with the woman and her kids in line in front of you at check-out? How might this person be interacting with you based on differences in privilege?

You may not have to address these things directly, but if you’re wondering what the other person is thinking or feeling, just ask!

Be Curious!

Someone’s words have to pass through your filters of anger or other emotions, your political or moral beliefs, your personal preferences, your narratives about who and how they are, and even your narratives about who you are and how you are.

While listening to yourself you might notice some of these biases, beliefs, and perspectives. In order to understand another person it can serve us to consider that our beliefs, judgments and biases are just thoughts, not necessarily truths. We can open ourselves up to considering that we do not and cannot know everything. Intellectual humility enables us to become truly curious about another person’s experience.

Curiosity shows up as an unfettered genuine interest, eagerness to learn, and a humble, non-judgmental openness to what is present.

Pay Attention

It’s easy to be distracted by our own thoughts, what we want to say next, what’s going on around us, or how we want to respond. It doesn’t take a lot of brainpower to process the words someone is saying (we can process 400 words per minute but the average person speaks at 125 per minute¹) and therefore we have extra capacity left over that can be used in service to listening better.

When focusing on the speaker, pay attention to various layers of meaning. We communicate not only with words, but with our bodies, our tone, and even what we choose not to say. There is a rich field of information being offered in every interaction and we can begin to pick up on more of it when we give the other person our full attention.

Ask Quality Questions

Asking questions is essential to understanding someone! Ask them to confirm and clarify what you understood. Share how you interpreted what they said in your own words and ask if you got it right.

People often feel more deeply heard when their conversation partner asks them questions that expand their perception of a situation. You can do this with “Quality Questions.” Quality questions are those that are insightful, non-judgmental, sincere, and open-ended.

Be Courageously Vulnerable and Compassionately Authentic

Listening deeply is a very vulnerable experience. As the Gottman Institute suggests, it can open us up to someone else’s influence. Being open to influence can be a positive thing! In cultivating the courage it takes to deeply listen to another human being, we must remind ourselves that listening is not the same as agreeing, “giving in,” or admitting that we’re wrong. Rather, it is opening up the space for deeper understanding and connection.

Beyond the vulnerability involved in receiving someone else’s words, it takes courage to set boundaries and ask for what we need as listeners in a conversation. Your needs are just as important in the conversation, and having them met or considered will enable you to listen better! Taking care of yourself is the foundation for taking care of a relationship.

“We suspect that in being a good listener, most of us are more likely to stop short rather than go too far. Our hope is that this research will help by providing a new perspective on listening.  We hope those who labor under an illusion of superiority about their listening skills will see where they really stand. We also hope the common perception that good listening is mainly about acting like an absorbent sponge will wane.  Finally, we hope all will see that the highest and best form of listening comes in playing the same role for the other person that a trampoline plays for a child. It gives energy, acceleration, height and amplification. These are the hallmarks of great listening.” -Jack Zenger, CEO of Zenger/Folkman (a leadership development consultancy) for Harvard Business Review.