Elevated Conversation Model: The Foundation

On This Page

The Foundation Stage

The Foundation Stage in Elevated Conversation is where you set up the conversation by framing it. We consciously choose why we’re engaging in the conversation, agree on how we will approach the conversation, and keep perspective. This stage sets the tone for the entire dialogue and is best repeatedly revisited and reaffirmed throughout the course of an interaction.

The Foundational Stage in Action

“Selena, do you have about half an hour to talk about our trip to meet your family this weekend?”

Asks if she is available and willing to talk, sets up a time frame.

“Oh, yeah, I do… what’s up?”

Agrees.

“Well, I’m wanting to share how I’m feeling about it and was hoping you would listen to me share. I’m not looking for advice or comfort, and I do want to let you know what is going on.”

Asks if she is comfortable with the topic and proposes a role, makes a clear request regarding what she is looking for from the conversation.

“Hm, ok. You would like me to listen and not problem solve. I can do that.”

Reflects back and agrees.

“Also I might get a little emotional- do you have the bandwidth for that right now?”

Makes sure she is ok with the tone of the conversation.

“Ah, ok.” (Pauses) “I’m honestly a little worried I’ll get defensive about this. I will do my best not to personalize and stay present with you- and if something comes up for me I’m hoping we can create space for that, too.”

Hesitates, offers what she is able to do, makes a request on what she is looking for/what her needs are in the conversation.

(Nods) “That feels good to me. Ok, so…” (begins to share)

Agrees

(While her partner is sharing, Selena wants to be supportive and gain deeper understanding. To do this she knows she will need to keep tabs on her tendency to personalize. She decides to do this by filtering what is being shared through the lens of them being the hero of their own story- in other words, Selena focuses on her partner as the center of their own narrative and empathizes with the experiences they are personally encountering.)

Keeps perspective

Intention

Elevated Conversation begins with the Better Listening intention: to deeply understand, connect with, and support the person we are conversing with.

We often enter conversations unconsciously. As we dive into when we explain the Factor of Intention, our agenda (conscious or unconscious) massively impacts how we listen and engage with others.

(You might think about it as how wind may affect the direction of a sailboat, but, honestly, it’s far more nuanced than that!)

For example, if our intention is to convince someone that our perspective is more correct than theirs, we’re fundamentally not seeking understanding. Ironically, by not being open to others’ views, we’re less likely to influence their opinions!

When seeking to cultivate Elevated Conversation, it is essential that we make the conscious choice to practice Better Listening, which means we choose to have a loving agenda and make our highest goal better understanding.

This means not only becoming aware of our other agendas (through Presence; the combined effort of Attention and Awareness), but choosing to put less relevant agendas aside.

By instead choosing to seek genuine understanding, we find deeper connection with our conversation partner and are able to support them as well as ourselves.

The Agenda of Better Listening: To be loving and gain greater understanding.

This intention is going to be competing with your intention behind being in conversation in the first place. Identify your other intentions and consciously prioritize understanding, connection, and support.

Some intentions you could have for being in a conversation that you might need to de-prioritize include:

To find an agreement
To inform someone
To resolve conflict
To determine what to do
To be understood (at least at first)
To correct
To learn or teach
To deepen your relationship
To help
To show interest
To influence behavior
To evaluate
To problem solve

When we de-prioritize these other intentions, it is important not to mistake de-prioritizing something with de-valuing or dismissing it. You can still pursue and be influenced by these other intentions and they can come after being loving and gaining greater understanding.

For example, it is still important for you to be heard and understood as well as the other person. It may still be important to find a solution after greater understanding has been gained. You may still find it valuable to come to an agreement.

It is also possible that intentions like learning or deepening your connection will automatically be met through the prioritization of the Better Listening Agenda.

Intention in Action
Scenario	Intention at the start	Related Behavior	Possible Result
On a call with your partner the other day they said something that made you upset. When you began to shut down they became irritated by your reaction, which upset you more. Now that they’re home you want to talk about it.	To be understood for your emotional reaction. To resolve the tension.	You begin explaining and defending your reaction and telling them why what they said was hurtful to you.	They end up interpreting your explanation as an accusation that they did something wrong and inconsiderate and begin defending themselves back to you.
	To be loving and gain greater understanding. To be understood. To resolve the tension.	You ask them what their experience of the conversation was and patiently hear out their side with compassion.	They feel heard and understood and more open to understanding your experience without personalizing it.
Your son was playing outside with his friend when they got into a fight and he injured the other boy.	To teach him that what he did was wrong.	You go into the conversation telling him he made a poor choice and tell him he is grounded.	Your son feels defensive, misunderstood, and disconnected from you.
	To be loving and gain greater understanding. To teach him what he did was wrong.	You approach him with curiosity and concern.	He feels safe explaining what happened and you learn what was upsetting for him and why he chose the strategy he did in as a reaction. You realize that instead of our other intention of teaching him that he did something wrong it is more valuable to talk about ways to handle conflict.

Try it Out

For the next day, monitor your why for being in the conversations you are in (you can use our Intentions List for a refresher on what some of your intentions may be).

Take note of your intentions without judging them.
Observe how they influence your listening and how you engage with the other person.

The day after, continue to note what your intentions are. However on this day, de-prioritize your initial intention in favor of the Better Listening Agenda: To be loving and gain greater understanding.

Consciously choose to focus more energy on being loving and gaining understanding that your initial intention.
Observe how this influences your listening and how you engage.
Revisit your initial intention and pursue it if it still feels necessary.

After both days, reflect on the differences or similarities you experienced in your conversations:

How does making ‘being loving and gaining greater understanding’ my primary agenda affect my listening, my conversations, and my relationships?

Intention Summary

To Do it:

Consciously commit to the loving intention of seeking deep understanding of the other person, their perspective, ideas, and beliefs. Ask yourself what your unconscious intentions may be in engaging with them and put them aside in favor of understanding.

To Help You Do It:

Agreements

Happening concurrently with Keeping Perspective, making Agreements is creating a shared reality with our conversation partner that both people are willing to be a part of.

When a conversation is about something important, touchy, or we want to make sure the other person has time and space for what we need to discuss, making agreements sets a conversation up for success.

6 Things to agree about when starting a conversation:

Topic(s)

Agreement:Agree on what you’re going to talk about.

What to ask:

“Are you willing to talk about ___?
“I want to tell you about ___, is that alright?”
“Are you open to discussing ___?”

Time

Agreement:Agree on how long the conversation will take, agree on each person’s availability.

What to ask:

“Do you have __ minutes to talk about ___?

Emotionality

Agreement:Be honest about how sensitive a topic is and if emotions might arise. Get agreement on the other person’s comfort with this.

What to ask:

“This is a tender topic for me, are you okay if I get a little riled up?”
“I’m looking for some emotional support. Are you up for that?”
“I’m wary that this could trigger some emotions for you or myself, are you willing to go there with me?”

Roles

Agreement:Agree on what roles each person will have in the conversation, based on what each person needs. Are you a sharer, a witness, a problem solver, a validator? Are you a teacher, a mediator, a critic? Agree beforehand for smoother sailing!

What to ask:

“Are you willing to only listen to me without problem-solving or offering advice?”
“I’m feeling insecure about this, will you affirm my experience is reasonable?”
“I want to learn ___ from you, are you willing to teach me?”
“I want to inform you of ___, are you open to hearing it?”
“I’m looking for advice, are you interested in giving me some?”
“I want to debate this topic. Are you down for some intellectual sparring?”

Conflict

Agreement:Agree on how you will manage tension if it arises. (We will take a 5 minute break, we will reflect what we hear the other person is experiencing and thinking, we will hug, we will take a walk together and change locations, we will come back to the conversation tomorrow, etc.)

What to ask:

“This could be a sensitive topic for us. What strategy(ies) would you like to use if things get tense?”

Facts

Agreement:

Agree on objective facts as relevant to your conversation. For a debate (for example) both parties must agree to the data being used. If the parties are using different information, they are unlikely to make progress in understanding each other.

*When determining facts, use information that is free of judgment or interpretation– it must be how a camera would record something in an unbiased, un-storied manner. (i.e., “The girl walked into the room, threw a bottle and left quickly” versus, “She came in seeking revenge, attacked the man with a bottle, and ran away so she wouldn’t get caught.”)

What to ask:

“What can we both agree upon going into this?”
“What do we both want to get out of this conversation?”
“What sources of information/guidelines can we both agree we trust and want to refer to?”

Not all of these agreements are relevant to every conversation. You will have to play it by ear depending on the situation at hand.

Sometimes people say No.

And that is ok… not everyone has to talk when you want to about what you want to in the way that you want to. It probably isn’t serving to the relationship to force conversations when someone isn’t ready.

However, when someone says no and it is still important to have the conversation, you can follow up with questions to determine the next course of action:

“When is a better time? When will you be ready to talk about this?”
“What is behind your no? What is causing you to not have this conversation?”
“Are there conditions under which you would agree to this conversation, and if so, what are they?”

But Wait! People do not always respond to requests authentically.

Admittedly, this whole ‘agreement’ thing is predicated on the assumption that people are truly agreeing and not just agreeing because they think they’re supposed to.

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for people to consider your requests an exercise in politeness. They may not consider that you truly want to know if they are willing, ready, or available to talk or listen, and therefore agree, likely out of politeness themselves.

This is where your awesome Better Listening skills come in. Listen for the layers of their response by observing their tone and body language.

Did they hesitate? Do they seem upset? Did they respond really quickly?

When this happens and you’re not sure they are answering authentically (or perhaps they didn’t stop to think about it deeply), you can always reflect back to them what made you wonder that and ask again.

I noticed you hesitated, are you sure? This conversation is important to me and I want to be confident you’re on board. If not, that’s totally okay. I’d rather find a time when both of us are truly up for it.
You seem a bit distracted even though you said yes. Maybe another time would work better for you?
Are you okay? I interpreted your tone as annoyed just now- is it really a good time/topic/etc. for you?

Scenario	Agreements	Impact on Conversation
You and your best friend have gotten into an argument about how they have stopped inviting you on outings. You’re judging them as neglecting you and being inconsiderate of your feelings. They feel confused and defensive.	Before entering the conversation, you and your best friend establish truth: most importantly, that you love one another and want to resolve the tension, and secondarily you bring up the last three times you had plans that were changed or cancelled. You both agree on the objective facts of what happened. You agree to reflect things back upon request to help manage emotion and increase understanding.	Establishing that you love one another and want to resolve the tension sets the tone for the conversation. Because your friend acknowledges the times you brought up, you feel seen and can hear them better when they explain things from their perspective. Whenever things get a little heated you both feel comfortable reflecting back what the other is feeling and thinking, which keeps things empathically engaged.
You asked your aunt for a recipe. She is now explaining it to you but you’re distracted and she is getting annoyed.	She points out that you’re distracted and asks if you are interested in learning the recipe you asked for right now. You say yes. She asks that when she is teaching you focus on her and ask questions when necessary. You have made agreements about time and roles now.	Because your aunt is willing to ask for what she wants directly, she is unlikely to hold resentments. The recipe learning goes smoothly and you two bond over it.
Two co-workers begin debating the efficacy and risks of vaccines.	Before diving into the debate they agree that they both trust data from the CDC. They agree not to interrupt and to respond to each other’s points with curiosity, genuinely considering them.	Because they have a common source they both trust, they are more likely to take each other’s points seriously. They will hopefully also feel more heard and taken seriously, inspiring them to be respectful and do the same for the other person.

Agreements in Action

“Hey Mike, do you have 10 minutes to talk about what happened yesterday at breakfast?”“Oh, uh- well I’m a bit distracted right now but I can talk about it this afternoon- plus I’ll have more than 10 minutes then.”“Ok, that works for me. When we chat, are you willing to listen to me while I express some of what I was feeling at the time? I just want to make sure you’re up for it if it gets a little uncomfortable.”(After a pause) “Mm, yeah, mostly. I’m a little nervous about that because I have some feelings to share, too. And, I’m willing to be a little uncomfortable because I see it’s important for us.”“Thanks Mike- thanks for being honest and being open to it. I would really love to hear what you were thinking and feeling at the time, too. I’ll check in with you after lunch.”

Try it Out

Think of someone you haven’t chatted with for a while and a memory you have of them. This will likely be more impactful if there is some emotionality to the memory- but don’t go above a 3/10 on the intensity scale for the sake of the exercise.

Give them a call (or even text them this part) and ask:

Do you have ___ minutes to talk about ___?
Are you willing to ___ (reminisce, analyze, give feedback, witness, advise)?
If things get tense, what specific action can we agree to take in response? (*only if applicable)
Are you down for a ___ kind of chat? (sad/chummy/playful/upsetting/relaxed?)]
Can we agree that ___, ___, ___ happened?

Then have your conversation! Afterwards, reflect on what kind of impact making these requests had.

Agreements Summary

To Do it:

Before starting a conversation, think about what it is important for you and your conversation partner to agree on. Explicitly address:

Time: when and how long the conversation will be
Topic: What will you be discussing
Emotionality: Could it be a sensitive topic and cause sadness, anger, defensiveness, etc?
Roles: Who will be doing what? Do one of you need a witness, a validator, a problem solver? Are you in agreement with the other person’s intention?
Conflict: If it comes up, how will you handle it?
Facts: Make sure you agree on the objective facts if debating a topic.

To Help You Do It:

Intentions List: A helpful list of possible intentions you or someone else could have during a conversation, coupled with a few reflection questions. Refer to this list retroactively to consider how you may have approached a conversation and the impact that approach had; or use this list proactively to commit to a specific intention before entering a conversation.
Regulation Master List: You can use this to come up with an agreement on handling conflict. A masterlist of various regulation techniques to help you center yourself and enable your listening abilities. Some of these can be practiced during conversation, and some may require you to take a break.

Keep Perspective

Happening concurrently with Establishing Truth, Keeping Perspective means maintaining curiosity by connecting with the other person’s humanity, taking them seriously, and monitoring our biases and assumptions.

“All other’s desires are the same as mine. Every being wants happiness and does not want suffering.” — The Dalai Lama

Reminding ourselves of what we have in common with another person opens up our ability to empathize with them. Sometimes it is a challenge to see past differences and remember that we are all human and therefore all experience suffering and joy as the Dalai Lama indicates.

We’re psychologically wired to dehumanize those who are different from us, an artifact of our ancestral heritage designed to keep us safe by encouraging us to only associate with our in-group.

For most of the world, our everyday experience has since evolved past the days of the brutal warring tribes that prompted this thought process- and in the tragic cases where it has not, we have certainly evolved the capacity to rise above it and potentially counter such behavior.

How to Master Your Emotions | Emotional Intelligence
While this video is titled, “How to Master Your Emotions,” it employs perspective shifting to achieve its aim. The narrator walks you through an example of two men brought up in different environments who have a different perspective of the same situation. Their perspective influences the action they take. The video advocates for developing the ability to perceive many possible realities as a means to mastering your emotions. Being able to perceive many possible realities also empowers us to be more compassionate and curious!

To enable our best listening receptivity, we must take the person we are listening to seriously.

It is easy to fall into the trap of dismissing a friend’s negative comments because they complain ‘too much’, or writing off the questions of a child because we consider them naive. While your friend may complain too much and the child may be naive, focusing on this interferes with our ability to listen because we’re not taking their experience seriously. While the fact that someone chronically complains could be a distortion of reality, it does not change the fact that they are struggling with a negative experience. And while the child asks questions that they may not yet be able to understand, that does not change the fact that they are experiencing confusion or wonder. Our dismissal is a subtle expression of the judgments and biases we develop in relation to specific people.

The closer you are to someone the more difficult it may be to notice your lenses and see past them!

Luckily, there are a few alternative lenses you can pick up to filter out some of your biases while listening to the other person’s experience. These are creative twists of perspective to help you empathize more deeply.

Choose to see them as the hero of their own personal drama.

Psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm wrote the following inspiration for perspective in The Art of Listening, a book he authored on the topic of listening as a psychotherapist: “It is very important to see the patient as the hero of a drama and not to see him as a summation of complexes. And, actually, every human being is the hero of a drama… Even the most banal person …is exceedingly interesting once you see him as that person, as that living substance which was thrown into the world at a place not desired by him or known to him, and is fighting in some way through it.” Taking this perspective helps cultivate empathy by empowering you to weigh the information being shared more closely to how it might be being experienced.

See them as a teacher.

Each person has lived a unique life of personal experiences that no other individual can replicate exactly. With their own perspective, history, and knowledge they develop a totally distinctive vision and understanding of the world. If we approach each person humbly as if they have something to teach us, we open our receptivity to what they may offer. Ask yourself what this person can teach you not only about the topic of discussion, but more broadly about what it means to be human.

See them as an expert.

Similar to seeing them as a hero or teacher, seeing someone as an expert of their own life and experiences is essential to respectfully listening to them. Each person is the only individual to live their own life directly and therefore has the best, most intimate knowledge of such experiences. Remembering this can help you stay curious and deferential.

Pretend you are a detective.

Another way to engage your attention and curiosity is to imagine yourself as a detective and the person you are listening to as someone revealing clues to solving your case. This is not an invitation to interrogate them (be wary of inquisition!) but a perspective shift to broaden what you pay attention to and help you step away from your natural filters and biases.

Commit to giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is to assume their statements are correct and justified when there is no way to prove otherwise. We’d like to take it a step further and encourage you to assume their statements are correct and justified- period. You may be thinking, “Woah woah woah, people aren’t always right!” and we agree with you. The key distinction here is that you offer them the respect of taking their personal experience seriously. Assume that what they are expressing is a reflection of their reality. It does not have to align perfectly with shared truth for it to be true for them personally.

“Inhabit the role of a passenger on the speaker’s train of thought. Follow their journey, at their pace.”

This one is a suggestion from the Gottman Institute. This visual helps us listen by illustrating the dynamics of deference during listening. While listening, we are deferring to the speaker in the same way that we would defer to the train to transport us somewhere we need to go. We are not trying to control the direction of the train, nor do we have the influence to choose its route. We elected to get on this particular train and we entrust ourselves to the journey it will take.

Monitor Your Biases, Judgments, and Filters

No one is immune to having filters through which they interpret the world. We all have biases, make judgments, and process information through filters that have taken our entire lives to mature. Our brains are wired to make efficient judgment calls, and unfortunately, these generally effective systems have not caught up to the complexity of modern social interactions. Fortunately, our self awareness enables us to see these systems in operation and empowers us to make our unknown blindspots known.

Intellectual humility (the willingness to be wrong and change your mind) combined with openness (the pursuit of and interest in new things) set the groundwork for checking our biases and assumptions. Once we have fostered such an attitude, we must commit to the life-long practice of uncovering our biases by questioning why we think and feel the way we do about the people and events in our lives. The table below can help you get started.

Common Unconscious Biases that Affect Our Listening

Confirmation Bias
We seek out information that confirms what we already believe and discard information that may challenge it.

Example:
If you believe all old people are senile, you’re more likely to notice cognitive challenges that an older person you know experiences than the mental actions they do with ease.