“Do you like Improv?” “Yes, and…I LOVE effective communication”
Derived from improvisational comedy practices, this concept of ‘yes, and…’ can help us to create a mutually supportive conversation while facilitating its forward progression and maintaining a bi-directional system of ‘gift giving’ in which both parties meet their needs for support and understanding.
Life is a lot like an improv skit. It’s made up on the spot, no one really knows where it’s going to go, and there are certain unspoken rules that help it flow a bit more smoothly: one of these rules is ‘Yes, And…’. This is the response that enables a conversation to be both mutually supportive and still progress towards an endpoint. This page elucidates how to use ‘Yes, And…’ and forms a supplement to the concepts of Compassionate Communication.
Yes
There is a way to say yes to every statement. Finding this way to say yes will allow the other person in the conversation to meet his/her need to be understood. Meeting this need will typically help balance the other person, leaving them move able to hear your own views.
Saying yes is agreeing to the viewpoint of the other person, not to the correctness of that view. In saying ‘yes’ I affirm that I understand (empathically) how the other person views the given situation, not that I agree with their point. It is important to have the yes be more than that single word, flushing out what you are saying yes to.
Example 1
Person 1: You stole my toys! You are such a jerk!
Person 2: Yes, I did take your toys.
Note here that the Yes is a Reframing of the statement. You are saying yes to the situation, not yes to the individual’s interpretation. However, Person 1 will most likely ‘feel’ understood; far more than if Person 2 were to say “I am NOT a jerk!” which “picks up the rope” for an argument.
Example 2
Person 1: I really think we need to be safer at our office. So we need to install surveillance cameras everywhere
Person 2: Yes, safety at work is a definite community value.
Note here that the Yes is to the core of the thought again. Person Two may have problems with installing cameras everywhere; this objection is shelved until person two demonstrates the points that s/he can validate.
, And…
The comma between the ‘yes’ and the ‘and’ is an important part of this process as well. The comma is a pause that occurs after your affirmation in which you look for a verbal and/or nonverbal acknowledgment from the other person.
This step ensures that your ‘Yes’ has in fact landed as a yes . . . that the other person hears you saying yes.
Looking again at example 2:
Person 1: I really think we need to be safer at the office. So we need to install surveillance cameras everywhere
Person 2:”Yes, safety at work is a definite community value.
[Pause: Comma]
Person 1: That’s not what I’m talking about! I mean that I believe in safety. That it’s really important”
Person 2: Ah! Thank you for the clarity. Now I see that the safety of the employees is important to you personally.
[Pause: Comma]
Person 1: Yeah! That’s it!
In this stage of the response you get to add ONE new piece of information to the table. This is NOT a chance to monologue. Adding TOO much information will break down the conversation. So, the AND adds ONE piece of information. This steps forwards the conversation, progressing it in a direction that is (ideally) mutually beneficial to both parties.
This ‘And’ is (99.9% of the time) NOT a moment of unfettered self-expression in the sense of ‘throwing my two cents in’. The ‘And’ is a moment where you typically offer a piece of INFORMATION in order to progress the ways of thinking around a topic.
Judgment, changes of topic, and most questions are NOT part of the And phase. (Questions tend to not offer information; they tend to require or request information, putting the conversation onus back on the other person). Now, let’s look at the examples again, played out fully.
Example 1:
Person 1: You stole my toys! You are such a jerk!
Person 2: Yes, I took your toys.
[Pause: Comma]
Person 1: Nods head
Person 2: AND I was not aware you needed them at that moment.
Person 1: Well you should have known JERK!
Person 2: Yes, I can see how my actions look like inconsiderateness.
[PAUSE: Comma]
Person 1: Yeah!
Person 2: AND, I see now that it was inappropriate of me to take your toys without requesting
them first.
Person 1: You’re damn right it was!
Person 2: Yes, I hear a lot of anger in your voice. I wonder if there is something else here… [begin going deeper with yes, and…]
Note here that Person One is almost deliberately looking for a fight. He is throwing out the rope in every sentence. One of the quickest ways to diffuse an angry person and to not pick up the rope is to continually say ‘yes’. It is nearly impossible to stay angry at a person who is continually agreeing with your viewpoint, and basically impossible to argue against that person…because that person is agreeing, not arguing.
Example 2:
Person 1: I really think we need to be safer at the office. So we need to install surveillance cameras everywhere
Person 2:”Yes, safety at work is a definite community value.
[Pause: Comma]
Person 1: That’s not what I’m talking about! I mean that I believe in safety. That it’s really important”
Person 2: Ah! Thank you for the clarity. Now I see that the safety of the employees is important to you personally.
(Pause: Comma)
Person 1: Yeah! That’s it!
Person 2: And I’m wondering what safety looks like to you.
Person 1: It’s being safe. Constant vigilance. Always looking around.
Person 2: Yes! I agree that’s one of the ways safety can look [reframe] (Pause: Comma)
Person 1: [nods]
Person 2: And our technology policy does not work in conjunction with your proposal.
Person 1: Then change the policy!
Person 2: Yes, that is one option that we have on the table, and I wonder what other options are out there.
Person 1: Hmmmmm! Well…
Note here that Person 2 is using questions a lot. These questions, however, are largely requests that still offer information to move the conversation forward. This Yes, And conversation led to a discussion about the realities of implementing a particular thread. Another direction it could have gone would have been discovering what aspect of work was not meeting Person 1’s need for safety (perhaps projected onto the employees). Like any tool, Yes, And can take us down MANY paths…and does not always lead to the same type of strategizing/concluding in every scenario.
Sneaky No’s and But’s
As with any tool, the trick is in the heart orientation rather than the words. The words help us to practice before our heart shifts into place; it is possible, however, to say ‘yes’ with the meaning of ‘no!’ and ‘and’ with the meaning of ‘but’. For example:
Person 1: You stole my toys
Person 2: Yes, and I was right to do so.
Here, the ‘and’ of person two is really a ‘But’. The person is affirming the scenario and denying what Person 1 is actually saying. Person 1 is implying wrongness and Person 2 is refusing to hear that implication.
Note that the yes does not have a referent/validation/reframe of Person 1’s experience, a critical absence.
Excuses are almost always ‘no’s’ in disguise… instead, try finding out what ‘yes’ you can say to the accusations and how you can really HEAR the other person.
Person 1: You stole my toys!
Person 2: Yes, I [reframe] took your toys and I hear that you are really upset.
Person 1: Yeah! I’m pissed.
Person 2: [yes!] I see that you’re pissed. Help me understand better what’s really getting to you here.
In a nutshell
YES! Always affirm the other person; there is always a way in which they are right
PAUSE, waiting for confirmation of the correctness of your yes.
AND add only one piece of new information each time you choose to speak.