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We all get off-balance from time to time.
Maybe you can remember your last outburst, meltdown, or freak out.
And you can definitely remember if anyone has ever stood before you, yelling and irate. How did it go?
Was the person angry at you? Flabbergasted at a situation or the world? What did you say? Did it seem to help? Maybe it made things even worse…
These unbalanced times usually mean high-sensitivity and a high-risk for further problems.
The 3 tools on this page are prescribed as highly effective re-balancing techniques. Use these methods well, and you can calm anyone down from “I’m going to end you!” to “Ok, I feel more understood.” in 90 seconds or less.
What you may hear
What you may offer
I can’t stand this. I hate it.
Reflect: It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated and upset.
She is such a dishonest BITCH!!
Reframe: You value honesty and are worried she isn’t acting with integrity.
Can you believe this is happening? This is the worst…
Validate: Yeah, you’re dealing with a lot. I can understand your discomfort.
I didn’t do it because I’m lazy, ok?!
Reframe: You want to do everything you can. Reflect: And you’re a bit bewildered.
Don’t you even care?!
Validate: I hear you. Reframe: You want me to be invested. Reflect: And you’re feeling lonely.

Reflect (the emotion)

Reflect back the emotion.  Allows for venting.   Person says, “I hate Jimmy!  He ruins everything!”   You say, “Sounds like you’re feeling angry and annoyed.”   When the emotion is labeled and acknowledged, people feel understood and reason can sometimes reign again.  Sometimes the emotional level/intensity needs to be matched to a degree so they feel felt.

Reframe (the content)

Reflect the message back so that the content is the same, but you take the sting out. Receive the daggers and hand them back a bouquet of flowers. Doing so can help the emotional person out of their fixed position and into a problem-solving mode. “He is a lying son of a bitch.” “The truth is important to you. You think he is not telling the whole story.” “She is a lazy slob.” “You would like her to clean up her messes more often. Cleanliness is important to you.”

He is a lying son of a bitch.
The truth is important to you. You think he is not telling the whole story.
She is a lazy slob.
You would like her to clean up her messes more often.  Cleanliness is important to you.

Validate

Confirms the value and meaningfulness of another’s experience and helps the person to feel safe. Allows for venting of steam, so that the person can let go of anger or frustration or other strong feelings. It is not talking someone out of their feelings, making everything better, solving a problem, or explaining things.  Note: Validating someone else’s experience does not invalidate our own experience.
“I understand you feeling that way.”    “You’re really wanting to be with your mother.” “It’s okay to feel that way.”  “Oh, that sounds really tough.” “Wow, that’s a lot to deal with.”  “Yeah, you felt like you were really being clear.”

Stumbling Blocks

What are some common slip-ups while offering reflection/reframing/validation? Be wary of the following traps in order to R/R/V more effectively.

  • Questions are implicit, rather than explicit; by definition, R/R/V don’t end with a ? mark.  However, after a R/R/V statement, the receiver checks with themselves and usually offers a nonverbal sign of agreement or not, or a verbal one like “yea” or continuing on to something else they want you to hear, spawning another R/R/V.  If you ask an explicit question, you might get a response along the lines of “throwing the rope,” incendiary statements, aggression, and/or depression.
  • Listen for “why” questions, “shoulds” (implicit and explicit), desires to problem solve, etc.
  • Listen for “that” or similar ‘words’ in their responses, as they are not specific enough. Say what “that” is fully.
  • Listen for “faux feelings,” like: attacked, let down, rejected, judged, neglected, cheated, attacked, betrayed, etc.
  • Don’t let the person get into problem solving or advice giving or explanations or clarifications questions or consoling of any kind.
  • Your self-expression about how you feel about the problem/situation, education, correcting, or what you think, has no place here. “I” is a word to be wary of, especially in reflect and reframe. “I” can be used, but rarely is it appropriate.
  • Look out for storytelling, which is not the point of these tools.
  • Listen for evaluations/judging: “Weird.” “Crazy!” “That’s outrageous!” “Fool, idiot, jerk” “You’re right” “That sucks.”
  • If the statement is longer than a full sentence (definitely a breath), not as effective, or outright ineffective. Rarely are “and” & “so” appropriate, as they lengthen the statement

Some Example Scenarios

Reflect
You’re not trying anymore; You’re a lazy boyfriend/girlfriend!
You’re feeling irritated.
You made me mess up on purpose!
You haven’t felt autonomous through this.

Reframe
I hate this! I keep getting interrupted.
You want to be heard. You’re requesting more time to speak.
Everything you say is stupid.
You’re feeling agitated with my words.
Why don’t you ever even smile?!
You want to be joyful, and see it in those around you.
You’re going to deny that you slept with her and that he’s your child?!?
Ethics and clarity are important to you and I see you’re concerned about my role in the situation.

Validate
My last teacher was way better than you.
I hear you. You deserve a good education.
Don’t patronize me! You’re trying to psychoanalyze me and I resent it!
Nobody likes that. I understand that resentment.

Combinations

(often, these feel more complete/natural)
You’re not trying anymore; You’re a lazy boyfriend/girlfriend!
Reflect: You’re feeling irritated. Validate: I am listening, and I hear you.
I hate this! I keep getting interrupted.
Reframe: You want to be heard. You’re requesting more time to speak. Validate: That is understandable.
Can you be serious for just one minute?!
Reflect: You’re aggravated. Validate: Ok, I can totally understand your wanting to get serious.
My last teacher was way better than you.
Validate: I hear you. You deserve a good education. Reframe: And you’re concerned for the class.
Everything you say is stupid.
Reframe: You’re feeling agitated with my words. Reflect: Maybe you’re feeling a bit annoyed.
Why don’t you ever even smile?!
Reframe: You want to be joyful, and see it in those around you. Validate: I get why you feel that way.
Don’t patronize me! You’re trying to psychoanalyze me and I resent it!
Validate: Nobody likes that. I understand that resentment. Reflect: Sounds like that makes you angry.
You made me mess up on purpose!
Reflect: You haven’t felt autonomous through this. Reframe: You want ownership over your own process.
I can’t believe you would insult me like that.
Reflect: You’re bothered by what I said. Reframe: You want me to think about the effects of my words.
Fuck you! I hate you! You suck!
Reflect: You’re super upset. Validate: And that is ok.
You’re going to deny that you slept with her and that he’s your child?!?
Reframe: Ethics and clarity are important to you and I see you’re concerned about my role in the situation. Validate: That is clearly appropriate.
You ran over my dog, slept with my girlfriend, got me fired from my job, borrowed and wrecked my car, and all you can say is ‘sorry bro’?!?!!
Reflect: You’re distraught and overwhelmed. Validate: I don’t blame you for calling me out. Reframe: You deserve justice and a sense of peace, and I want to acknowledge that.
Give me all your money or I will stab you with this knife!
Validate: Whoa! I understand that you need money. Reflect: You must be feeling hopeless and a sense of turmoil. Reframe: Do you want to sit and talk with someone? I think I could offer you some help through this tough time.

Try It yourself

Now, try responding to these ones yourself. Use any one or combination of Reflect / Reframe / Validate to ease the tension you’re hearing. In increasing difficulty…
“I feel like no matter how hard I try, it never works out.”
“Sometimes I think you don’t love me.”
“Why don’t you even seem to notice most of the time?!”
“So, let me get this straight…RUNNING AWAY is what you thought would be best for this problem??”
“Fuck you! If you don’t say something worthwhile, I’m going to leave!”
“She stole my car! I’m going over there to make her regret it.”
“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t beat you to a pulp and leave you here on the sidewalk!!!!”
Exercise:
Write down three things that would be REALLY hard for you to hear. If you want, you can relate them to a recent of current conflict you’re dealing with. Then, imagine someone saying them to you, and you RRV’ing them and yourself (getting behind what might be behind the fictional other, and for yourself as well).

Finding the bid beneath

This is a helpful trick for finding the feelings, especially the love in them, underneath words. In all kinds of relationships, seeing the bid beneath can be like super-power x-ray-love-vision.

Sometimes we do not recognize when our partner is making a bid for connection because it’s wrapped in criticism.
We react to their negativity and miss the opportunity to connect.

For example, Chris wants Lisa to come to bed but she is returning work e-mails. His bid is, “Please come to bed with me” but comes out as, “You’re on email now? You had all evening!”

If Lisa focuses on his plea and not his tone, she has the opportunity to respond positively: “Good point. I’ll be right there.”

So before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for the bid beneath their harsh words. Then, focus on the bid, not the delivery.

If you find it difficult not to react defensively, take five really deep breaths. Then ask your partner, “What do you need right now from me?”

If wrapping bids in criticism is a habit in your relationship, work on softening your start-up. And, more importantly, wear your giraffe ears.

RRV in Relationships

Of course, Reflect, Reframe, Validate is an invaluable tool in relationships. When your partner is fuming with anger, it may come with years of pent-up, habitual frustration. Or it may enforce habits of Enemy Images. You may sometimes find that the stage is set for failure.

Simply put, relationships are more complex. When it comes to relationships, a holistic methodology for connection and conflict management can be found in our Gottman section. For conflict management specifically, ‘Repairs’ are of the utmost value.

Gottman Repairs
Next Up: Enemy Images